Our Story

Oh Dad,

My life would have been so different if not you. I loved you so much. It may seem obvious, because you were my dad. But I don’t think it is. I did not tell you that often enough. I always thought that I will, because we have so much time. I did not have a chance to spend enough time you. You didn’t have a chance to spend enough time with me. I wish I could change it all knowing that you won’t be here soon. I kept on living like tomorrow is for granted. Until the one phone call I wish I never got.

It was Tuesday, the middle of the day and I was at work. My phone was in front of me and I saw that it’s my little sister is calling. It only took a second from seeing it’s her when I immediately felt that something is wrong. That something must have happened. She never called me throughout the day. I dropped whatever I was doing and I picked up. When I did, I heard: “K., Our dad passed away”. I was in shock and I kept telling her that it’s not true, it cannot be. When I asked her if the ambulance got there yet she said no, but you are not here anymore. I told her to not say it, they will come and help you. It will be ok. You must have felt worse, but they will take you to the hospital and help. I could not believe it then and two and half years later I still cannot believe it. The more time passes, the more I am realizing that I haven’t processed what happened. I can’t. I’m strong, I always look for solutions, I know there is nothing we cannot fix, I cannot fix, yet, I cannot change what happened and I cannot phantom that you really aren’t here anymore.

You are one of not many people in my life I would send letters to. I once sent you a really long letter telling you so many things we never got a chance to openly talk about. I didn’t think about it many years ago when we lost you, but a few days after your funeral my mum and I were sitting together and then she reminded me of this letter. She said that you would read this letter a few times over the years and you had it next your bed, in the drawer of a nightstand. I was so touched. I never realized how much this letter meant to you. I went to your bedroom, opened up the drawer of your nightstand and there I saw it. I read it in tears and now, when again I cannot tell you so much of what I want you to know, I am writing you another letter. This one. I want you to know how much I love you, we all do. How much we miss you and how hard it is for me to accept that you’re not here anymore. Right now, I don’t think I ever will, but I am not alone. We have a wonderful family and while we all wish you were here, I want you know that there is not a day we don’t think about you. That we don’t miss you. So much has changed over the past two and a half years. You would be proud of all of us as you always were.

I need to tell you one more thing. In my letter from all these years ago I told you how much my husband, who was still my fiance at the time, reminds me of you. In everything he does. I am in awe, because when I met him and fell in love with him I did not see any of it. But I saw it by the time I wrote this letter to you and I am seeing it even more now all these years later, when you are not here anymore. I never believed in this theory that women look for their dads in their husbands, but here I am, a living example of that. Though I feel alone in my own grief trying not to show it to anyone, I know I'm not. I have my husband who reminds me of you every single day, I have our family you helped build exactly the way it is - my mum who always says that you were the love of their life, my brothers who are mirrors of you in everything they do and how they do it (even how they stand and sit), my sisters, who like the rest of us, miss you and love you every day and our families - the ones we have built ourselves. You built our family with love and devotion, and we carry that legacy forward.

We love you, we miss you and just like you always did everything to help others, no matter at what cost, I am doing the same now. I'm sharing this letter not only for you but also for others who may find comfort in knowing they're not alone in their grief. Writing to you helps me heal, and I hope it brings solace to others too.

I love you.

K.