I will be looking for the sign from you
My Sweet Grace,
Writing you this letter feels like trying to capture the pain in my heart with words, and it's a struggle beyond what I can express. Losing you has left me with a heart so heavy, it feels like it might shatter into a million pieces, if it hasn’t already.
Our family, once whole, now feels like a puzzle missing its most important part. Your absence is a wound that refuses to heal, and every day is a battle against the emptiness she left behind. It's not just you; it's your laughter, the shared moments, and the dreams we had that are now lost in the shadows of grief.
In the midst of this pain, I need your help, my love. I am catching myself on thinking about you all the time and Matthew, your brother does not get any love from my anymore. Any, even though I have so much of it for him too. I just cannot bear that we have to move forward without you, with just Matt, Dad and I. My struggle to show the love I feel for him is not because I don't care - it's because this grief has twisted everything inside me. It's like love is tangled in the threads of sorrow, making it hard to reach out and give him the warmth and comfort he deserves. He is my little Matt and I cannot love him now how I know I should.
Our home constantly echoes with the silence of your absence. Each day is a reminder that life will never be the same, and it breaks my heart over and over again. Simple tasks become monumental because they bring back memories of a time when things were whole.
Grace, my precious baby girl, please help me. I don’t know how, but I am looking for this feeling of support from you to help me through this and know that I won’t be guilty of your betrayal if I show my love to Matt, if I have some fun playing board games like we used to. I know you loved your little brother, you still do, so I know you will understand. Maybe it’s permission I am looking for. But I will be looking for the sign from you. Please give it to me soon, because we cannot live like that anymore. I love you both so much and I cannot share such different feelings right now like grief for your loss and love for the life of my son. I know you will understand me. You remember I always told you so are so mature for your age. I just need to find a way to piece together our broken hearts as a family now. It won't be easy, and the journey will be painful, but I want to honor your memory by holding onto the love we still have for each other with Matt and your dad.
With a heart that aches beyond words,
Mum
